My relation to language

I often feel like my brain only has room for a precise and limited amount of words. I reached the limit a long time ago, and now, each word I push into my brain, it's another one that is pushed out of my brain. I started to feel this problem about the French language a long time ago, and now I feel the same about the English language.
Today, after further analysis, it occurred to me that it's not that I can't learn new words, I simply don't understand the new words. I already gathered the labels for all simple things, and I cannot really understand the more complex things. I look up the new words, and read the definition, but I don't feel those definitions in my guts. As a consequence, my brain is unable to retain those words. I have to look them up again and again. It makes me anxious.

Simple things in appearance... I can't really get what is, figuratively, a "sour" or a "bitter" feeling. I can only use those words by imitating sentences I read or heard.
I only really understand what happened to me personally.

I don't know what is being "bitter". But I think I can give a rather accurate definition of "being cynical". If I were to give a definition of "being cynical", I'd say it's showing disdain for things that are otherwise "universally" recognized as having positive value. When my mother sees a young couple that just got married, she often says something like "those goons just got trapped for twenty years!". She is being cynical.

If that makes me an idiot, so be it. I care less and less about looking like an idiot. Now, the thing I mostly care about is finding a way to live with myself; a way to be.

Wish to be a thing

In high school, I would often stare at object imagining I was them. I was so anxious, I would stare at the wall and imagine that I was a brick, or even just an atom of the brick, or maybe of photon coming through the window and bouncing on the brick. Atoms feel no anxiety. They feel nothing. Beings pass before them, time passes through them, they remain. They are just there.

Being good to people

At the beginnings of my treatment with Ritalin, I noticed the pill made me nicer to people. The things was it made me relaxed and happier. It's like Céline wrote : "Si les gens sont si méchants, c'est d'abord parce qu'ils souffrent" ("if people are so mean, it's mainly because they suffer"). Then Céline added "mais le temps est long qui sépare le moment où ils ont cessé de souffrir de celui où ils deviennent un peu meilleurs" ("but there is a long time between the moment they stopped suffering, and the moment they become a bit nicer").

I forget about people. To them, it seems like I just disappeared after I got what I wanted from them. Indeed, I'm so busy with my inner problems that I have no energy for relationships maintenance. I don't just forget about people, but I can't "ping -t" them. A connection can't be maintained for a long period of time. Resources should be freed. Connections should be closed and opened again.

It's only lost time if I stop halfway

I'm under pressure at work. I'm under pressure with this house I'm trying to buy. I'm under pressure, and I still have no idea which path would lead me to success. As usual I recently started things that I didn't finish. I have a thousand ideas that I won't turn into anything real.
And what should I study? Should I keep learning mobile development? Should I sharpen my web development skills after work? Should I study mathematics? I'd like to study chemistry... but should I  rather study a new language?
Three weeks ago I had enrolled in the highest level of some English evening course in my city. I attended two lessons. I attended the second one only to make sure this course was useless to me. I'm going to keep on studying on my own instead.
In place of the English course, I'm enrolling in an Italian course. Why? Because of "The Great Beauty". Because of the music of the words. Because it's easy to learn, and because I have the opportunity to practice this language with my own mother. I hesitated a lot, but today was my first lesson. I hesitated because I don't have time to do everything I want and need to. Is this the right choice? Is learning Italian going to help me succeed somehow? I was grappling with those questions when it occured to me that it could only be lost time if I stopped halfway through this year of course. But it's also true for most things I tackle. It's only lost time if I stop before getting anywhere. I don't need to become fluent in italian, but now that I started this, I should give it enough energy to reach "some" level. I should keep on attending the course until the end of the school year. I should pass all the examinations. Then I'll allow myself to stop this activity. But I must not give up in a couple of months, only being able to say "Hi I'm Yugo Amaryl, I was born on .... and I'm a programmer". That would be lost time.

In 5 months I'll be 28. In 2 years and 5 months, I'll be 30. I want to already be able to show some achievment at 30.
I feel lost, but I can already set a couple of goals for my 30th birthday. I want my house almost completely renovated and rented, I want  the Cambridge English Proficiency certification on my resume, and I want a better job in some serious company.

In the weeks to come, I want to finish reading several books that I started weeks, or even months ago. I'd like to finish a book a week for the next four weeks. That seems like a reasonable objective, even though I'm only going to be able to seriously read during the weekends, after I cleaned the cages of the guinea pigs, cleaned my apartment, after I took care of some more legal issues related to my house, ...

My english is getting worse. I was stuck on a plateau for months, and now my skills are deteriorating. I clearly feel it as I'm writing thoses thoughts. And spending time on the italian lessons is not going to help breaking through plateaus in english.

I need to keep calm, breath, and keep on working. I'm the hero of the story.

It may just be an impression, but I think I'm getting some more attention from women those last few weeks.

I want a woman in my bed.

I'm surprised that I don't really miss Her anymore.
This relationship brought me a huge amount of good things, for what it lasted. Now is probably the moment to take a step in new direction.
I was 24 when I met her. Today I'm 27. My young cousins have kids already. C. is even pregnant of her second child, at my age.
30 years old is not too late to have the first one, but I shouldn't wait any longer. Beside, I'm not searching for the same kind of women anymore. The next one probably won't be as smart and educated as Her. But, with this woman, life will be possible. Simple as that. With her I won't fight three times a week, and I won't constantly be afraid that she mutilates herself. I want life to be possible with the next one. And I have the feeling it's going to develop very fast with the next one. Especially if my house is renovated.  In spite of my psychological problems, I think I'm going to grow reasonably successful during the next 3 years. Slowly but steadily. And I'm going to meet this reasonable, nice, and livable woman, and she'll give me my first child, because I'll have created a situation in which she feels I'm reliable and she feels safe. One day, she will be pregnant, and we'll both be happy. I'll have a serious conversation with my father and...

Well, let's go to sleep.