I'd like a cuddle

We talk all the time, on skype, with SMSs, emails. We started seeing each other every Friday, in addition to attending the dancing lessons together every Sunday. C. is a great friend.
I had a hard day, and I was yearning to ask her to come to sleep with me tonight and cuddle. I'm only talking about cuddling, that's what I need the most. I need affection.

But then I would have to deal with an oversensitive teenager that thinks she is in a relationship with me.

Bad idea.

I'm not going to make her suffer just to relieve my own pain a bit.

I have no output devices

I've just watched "Indie Games : The Movie", which I found to be very inspirational. It's a documentary about people that are dedicated. It doesn't matter that they are weird, or whether I appreciate what they do.

I think I have a geat deal of creativity inside me, and I always had. I simply lack any output devices. I can't draw. I can't sculpt. I have a hard time crafting anything I planed in my head. I write in french rather properly, but I really need some serious practice. I have some potential in programming too, but I'm clrealy light years away from those guys in the documentary. I wish I had those programming skills that are like the chisel that the sculptor masters so perfectly it became an extension of his hand and he can forget about the tool and fully focus on pure creation.


A guy from the documentary :

I am determined to make video games, and I'm making video games because I can. I'm very very good at programing. I can still basically make something that expresses myself, like a movie or something that I wrote. I can make that as a video game and I have the full ability to do that.

But I, I have no output devices.

Maybe I should stop worrying about the ideas I had that somebody else had as well and turned into reality before I had the time. Maybe I shouldn't worry too much my failed projects. I only start to understand how I should organise, carry out my work. Maybe all those failures are part of my learning process, and I shouldn't worry about starting new projects that will probably not go anywhere.

My intuition more powerful than my reason

Like a year ago, I installed this little game on my Android phone :

 

It's called "Entangled", and the point is to relocate the balls so that in the end no link crosses any other link. It made me think of those relational database diagrams I had to draw in college; with one rectangle for each table, and a link for each foreign key. We, the students, had to organize our diagram so no link would be crossing another, or the teacher would get angry. At that time, this problem already "threw me into perplexion" (I naturally felt like writing that. It doesn't mean anything, I just felt it was legit. Sometimes I write things that seem new to me, then discovering I feel like writing them because they indeed are legit, and I heard them in some movie, or read them in some article. But here no, it just doesn't mean anything). At that time already, this problem left me puzzled (there we are). How could I automate this? I had no idea of the algorithm that would untangle my tables. I was also wondering how to test whether it was actually possible to completely untangle a diagram. In the end, I would only use the good old trials and errors method, but I was feeling dumb, and anxious, as usual.
Here we are, a few years later. I had the brilliant idea to download that nightmare. Those nightmares make me anxious, but I can't get rid of them. I'll come back to them every once in a while. All those things that seemed complex, that I didn't perfectly understand, or didn't understand at all... they haunt me. So, at first, I couldn't solve the levels past the most basic ones. It seemed incredibly complex to me, once again. I was searching for The Criteria. I was in the mindset of a programmer, and consciously searching for an algorithm. What is The Criteria that would make me choose one ball to move? And based on what would I choose the direction in which I'd move it, how would I choose the final location? It was driving me extremely anxious, which mindset, I know from experience, is the worst of all to solve any problem efficiently.
I let it aside for a while. But it kept haunting me. One day, I opened this game again, and I was suddenly able to solve the levels one after the other, easily. What had happened was that I stopped thinking. I looked at the setup, and one ball was standing out, and that ball felt like it was attracted to a different position. So, with my little finger, I dragged the ball to where it was called. Then the focus naturally shifted to another ball that was attracted to another position. Ball after ball, I was finally able to untangle the setup, every one of them. I almost solved all the levels now, and I only stopped because it became boring.
I still don't know what I'm doing. And I try not to think too much about it, lest the anxiety appears again. But I'm pretty sure that I'm now closer than ever to finding the algorithm. Now there is something that I do that solves the problem, and I can try to analyze this thing.

My English in this article feels so bad that I'm not even going to try to fix it. I know why my english became so broken lately. I stopped reading articles in english every morning. Currently, when I'm in the bus, heading toward my workplace, I read books in french. Only books in french. Also, I don't talk to my ex-girlfriend at all anymore...




 

Awful nap

I spent the evening on Friday with C. We ate at my place, then we went to the cinema, then she naturally followed me home. I was under the impression that she wanted to stay with me. I was feeling exhausted, as I usually do after 9pm, when the Ritalin has completely disappeared from my blood. I suggested that we watch a second movie, and we both sat in my bed to watch "The Weather Man". After a while I asked her whether she wanted to cuddle. I thought that's what she was waiting for, but she clearly was unsettled by the proposition. We did briefly cuddle, but I could hear the steam hissing out of her hears. She started asking lots of questions, like how could I love her already! She said she was afraid that she would believe it was a serious story, and then that I'd dump her. At that moment I knew it was a mistake, and I should have stopped immediately, but I needed a cuddle so much. I managed to rapidly put an end to this cuddling though, and I drove her home. She asked me what my favorite color was. It's easy to understand : she is only about to turn eighteen. I'm ten years older than her. She is a bit younger than my sister.

On Saturday, I felt tired all day long, and took a nap. My former girlfriend was in the dream as a reference. I knew I had lost her, and it was a big thing. It was, because I had just lost both my parents too. I felt alone in the world. I didn't have children, and without Her and both my parents, the world turned into something like a zombie apocalypse. I was searching for food supplies, and trying to stick with my brother. My sister was completely absent from that dream, like she didn't exist. It is true that my brother would be the person I could count on the most in case of zombie apocalypse.
Soon enough, the world will turn into that apocalypse for me.

My English is so clumsy. I didn't exercise for a month.

Taking those dancing lessons was the best decision I've made in a year. And yesterday, as we were dancing together, C. asked me whether I'd come to the lesson on Tuesday. I said yes, she answered that it was a bit late for her but she would come because it was one of the rare occasions she had to see me. "Do you want to see me?", I asked. "What do you think! ... unless I misunderstood something last evening?...". So, after the lesson, I told her. I told her that she was very young, and I didn't want something serious right now, and I didn't want to hurt her.

Hopefully, we'll remain friends. She is a nice girl, and I need a friend.