To be only a cog

It's crazy how my two last posts were poorly written. I think I wrote both of them after having swallowed some Lormetazepram. I should improve them, but I won't. It doesn't really matter, does it?

I felt awful again today, very anxious during the afternoon, and I didn't really do my job. The world again seem excessively complex, and I feel inadequate. I know what I should do in order to feel better. I should just give up. I should accept to have very limited understanding of the world, to be just a cog. I should find relief in blending into the crowd of the bus, anonymous. I have a job, I pay taxes, and I abide by the law. That's everything the society requires from its members. I'm a cog, like most people, and that's okay.

Week-end without much ritalin

As I couldn't seem to find what causes my mouth to be dry 24/7 for months, I finally decided to experiment with the last medication I wanted to experiment, because it's the one I need the most : Ritalin. This saturday, I didn't take my modified release ritalin in the morning. As a result, I spent most of the day having no energy for anything, and even taking long naps. My mouth felt moister than it ever felt for months ! I wasn't really happy though, since the price to pay for that was that I behave like the larva that I am. Reaching the end of the day, I took only 10mg of instant release, and was able to do some minimal but necessary stuff.
Next morning, I was able to wake up at 10am and felt I could do some stuff without the ritalin. I cleaned my guinea pigs' cage, I shaved, took a shower, and that was pretty much it. The I went for a short nap. Woke up again, ate some pastas with tuna reflecting of my lack of motivation to go to my dancing lesson later that evening. But I took 10mg of immediate release of Rilatin just before leaving for the dancing lesson, and it went fine.

I was afraid that I might discover that the Rilatin was causing the dry mouth, because I need it so much in order for me to function normally. On the other hand, the dry mouth issue had become very painful on the long run, and I feel relieved that I know what causes this pain, so I can now work on a solution to avoid it. I might be able to find a modus vivendi. Maybe I shouldn't take this modified released version. But rather the immediate release version each time I feel I really need it. I think it could result in a lower consumption of Rilatin, and weaker side effects.

This dream again, and I kissed her

On Friday the 13th of November, I spent  the evening with C. at my apartment, and she slept in my bed. Of course, it had to happen. We kissed. Then we cuddled. She said "Are you sure?". I answered "No. But aren't you feeling good right now?". Actually, while we were cuddling, I had flashes with the image of my ex-girlfriend, Her. I kind of felt some regrets.
Next morning I didn't kiss C., and just walked her to the bus station. A couple of days later, we went to the swimming pool together, and we acted toward each other as friends would. We kissed on the cheek to say hello, that's it.

But let's get back to the period of time after she left my apartment on Saturday evening, and before Sunday night. I hadn't swallowed my dose of Cipralexa the day before, on purpose, and the withdrawal symptoms were at their fullest now. So basically I spent the whole Saturday feeling extremely weak, sleeping, and having strange dreams. I was in my city, ten years from now. So I was like thirty-seven years old, and walking in a city I couldn't recognize because so many things had changed during the last ten years. It was like I had spent ten years in my apartment, or perhaps only going the same journey to work again and again, until I suddenly decided to walk the streets. I knew it was my city, but nothing felt familiar anymore. I went through a poor district, then through richer streets. All the houses were rather large and classy, and the ground floor of each of them had a display window. Through this window I could see large empty rooms with high ceilings, and paintings were hung on the walls. It's like all those houses were small art galleries, but nobody was inside. The ceiling light was cold, in those little museums without a public. I was older, alone, and felt the urge to have children. I was thinking about my late grand-father. My grand-father never used a computer, he never had any smartphone either. But in this dream he had had one. So I was on his smartphone trying to find meaningful information that should be saved, important information intended to the next generation. I guess I was feeling lost, and searching for clues, the way my generation produces and retrieves information... that is with smartphones (and computers in general).

This dream was similar to the one that took place in the apocalyptic world. The scenery as well as the scenario were different. But they conveyed the same feeling of aging and loneliness in a changing world, and the idea that I have to stick with what's left of my family, and try to give future to this family.

In terms of scenario, one important difference here was that it's my brother that was absent, and my sister had a role. She was still a cold bitch, but I was able to get over it, because I had a feeling it was important that I stick to my sister. Also, my mother wasn't there, but I don't know whether she was simply dead. My father was there though. I was asking him questions about grand-pa, still trying to save information from the past, but he wasn't of much help... just as he actually isn't in reality.

I was anxious asleep, and I was anxious awake. After this dream, I went on feeling like I still was a bit in the dream whereas I was awake. I felt some urge to call my former girlfriend. Telling her maybe we should give it a try again, and that I want a child soon. But I had understood I wasn't in a normal state of mind, and that I might do things I would later regret. So, I was able to refrain. Then I took Cipralex again, and after a couple of hours felt already a bit better.

Last Friday evening, C. spent the night with me again. And again we kissed and cuddled. I
hope we are going to be able to stay close friends. She is a sensitive girl and I need her. And I need cuddles.

Cheered up

So I had taken 20mg of modifed release of Ritalin around 4 pm. At 6:30 pm I took 10 more mg of regular Ritalin, as well as a small dose of Sulpiride. I felt a bit better and was able to attend my dancing lesson, and it went very well. I feel so much better. No I don't need Cipralex. I need more of this combination of Ritalin and Sulpiride. I'd say my mood was a 2/10 during the afternoon, and currently I'd say 5.5 or even 6!
I'm getting less bad at dancing. Maybe some day I'll be good and happy to master something new. That's what I need the most : mastering something new.

Worst day I've had in a month

My colleague tried once again to explain my new asignment to me. I didn't get it. I went to another colleague, twice. He really tried, but I still don't get it. I feel stupid and useless. Everything in life seems complicated. Like She said after we'd been briefly discussing how glass could be made of matter but still let the light goes through : "I don't know, the world is scary". She sobbed. And that comes from a 145 of IQ, high profile working for a top notch IT company. So what can I do with my life? I can only think of all that I failed to study and understand, and I only see more failures for the future.
I can't learn anything anymore. I have to check the same words again and again in the dictionary. My brain is broken.

Everything in this shit life is complicated, and I want to die. I searched the internet which of the pills I have at home could kill me with an overdose. I can't die from a Xanax overdose, and I'd have to eat a bowlful Rilatin to... probably just feel very unconfortable for a while. Even dying is complicated. I could try the hunger strike, but it's going to take ages. Why can't I just call a Kill() procedure on my body. I think my body should simply obey whatever order I give it. I should be able to die like I order my hand to close or stretch.

Maybe that's what I get for trying to stop my antidepressant. Maybe the Ritalin can't completely replace the Ciphralex.

I always found extremely important that I become a father. Like my life could only be a complete failure if I don't even have kids. Today, I changed my mind. I'm not sure I should put new kids in this shit world. I don't care not to leave anything after me anymore. Maybe that's the sign I'm ready for suicide. Until now, when considering suicide, I had always been worried about the embarassing things what people would find in my stuff, and what would they think of me. I have a shit load of hardcore porn movies. They are the reason my backups are so huge. Maybe I don't give a shit anymore. I won't erase anything. I won't clean anything. I'll be dead, and they are going to die too. And the universe eventually is going to die as well. So none of this matters. In a hundred years it's going to be like I was never on earth.

How poorly written is this? I bet it wouldn't be much better if I had written it in my mother tongue. I'm just vomiting words.

I took a small dose of Xanax and another Ritalin. I'm not sure I feel any better so far...

Why is it so hard to close my eyes

I tried many pills to help me sleep. But I don't have as much trouble sleeping than I have allowing myself to fall asleep. I fight the pills. I don't want to sleep. That's why taking Xanax (against anxiety) is much more efficient than any pills that just make me feel tired. When I explain that to a doctor, this doctor usually asks "why don't you want to sleep?". It's easy to understand though : the problem with the night is the tomorrow. If I go to sleep, then I'll have to wake up. I don't want the night to end, I'm warm and fuzzy. The night is too short if I spend it asleep.
It's like jumping into the cold water of a pool. It's very unpleasant, I have to swim and fight the cold before I get used to the temperature of the pool. But then, if I get out to wrap myself in my towel, I can't jump back in the pool without starting over fighting against the cold.

I wish to fall asleep and never wake up.

I want to be left alone. Please, leave me alone.

Geeks are bitter

In web development, there is something called the "MEAN stack". Of course MEAN is an acronym. Now I have just came accross "HATEOAS". It made me think :it's ok to have names with such negative connotations in web development. Those names are made by geeks for other geekss. Geeks don't have girlfriends, they are lonely, they are bitter.

Yesterday, it was the first time I had attended a job interview in an important IT company. The first thing that struck me was that everybody was young and nice looking. Elite people aren't just smart, they are nice looking. From what I see, I think that, in our society, intelligence can't completely make up for being ugly.

Today I feel tired. After my second intake of Ritalin for the day, I almost yielded to the temptation of taking a nap. I did lie in bed, but instead of sleeping I read the beginning of the book "Atomised" by Houellebecq. It seems promising. Probably better that the last one I read : "Whatever", from the same author. 

Anyway. My new theory is that I might have some thyroid issue. It could explain the cold hands and nose, the tiredness, the depression, and... the concentration and memory issues. My father had some thyroid issue. I need to check that.

If C. was just a bit more pleasing to the eye, it would be enough to make my qualms vanish. I'm just a man. I'd fuck her, even knowing that it's never going to be a serious relationship and that I would hurt her in the end.
It's ok. I'm still morally better than ninety-nine percents of people. So I guess it's ok. I'm not Jesus, I kind of wrapped my mind around this fact now. It took time though.

Godmother of war

I feel inadequate. I feel all I procuded in this job so far is shit. I suffer.
I know a tenth of what I need to know, and this tenth I think I known I acually only partially understand.
Tomorrow is going to be a harsh day again. For some reason the installation of my beautiful "web platform" failed on one of our client's servers. It's the first client that is going to use the completely new version of my web app. I mixed what I had heard of what the blueprint to build the Coliseum could look like, with the blueprint for my shed. Could be called "art " I guess.
It still works better than the first version !

Maybe I'll call C.P after work, just to exchange a few words. I think what she is to me is kind of a  "godmother of war". I'm surrounded. My fiercest enemy is myself, and I'm surrounded. Life is carpet bombing my position. I need a contact with a feminine soul.

I took sleeping pills. but that can't be the sole expanation for the poor quality of my english. That's got to be me. I'm bad.
Soon enough I'm going to stop reading those french novels, and start reading english books instead. Then you'll see...

Better stop writing and closing those eyes.

The ridiculous propaganda against Ritalin

On Sunday, just after taking my 20mg of modified release of Rilatin - what some people call "legal cocaine" - is the perfect moment for me to take a nap. Go figure.

Ritalin is the most powerful antidepressant I ever took. It's about to replace completely the Ciphralex I've been taking for years. I used to take 20mg of Ciphralex per day, which is the maximum recommended dosage. I now only take 5mg a day, and I'm considering stopping completely.
When I take Rilatin, after half an hour, the concentration of the substance in my blood is is at its peak. I feel relieved, and can finally take a peaceful nap.

The way the word "drug" is used in English is part of the problem. In French, "la drogue" only refers to "recreational drugs". Drugs connotes junkies, prostitution, etc. The pills that a doctor gives his patients are "médicaments", or "medicine".
A drug addict takes drugs for a recreational purpose. One takes drugs because one wants to function abnormally for some time. One takes a medication in order to function normally. I take Ritalin because I want to function normally.

Most people don't understand why recreational drugs are prohibited. It's not because drugs are "bad" per se. The fact is, most recreational drugs cause serious health problems on the long term. They also cause social problems. In order for a society to function properly, it's mandatory that it bans recreational drugs, as well as murder, and theft.

I'm like Robert De Niro in the movie "Awakenings". I spent my life in a wheelchair not moving a finger. But give me L-Dopa, and suddenly I wake up, I start doing things, I even dance (literally), and life is enjoyable. Then the L-Dopa concentration in my blood drops, and I'm back to sleep.

Ritalin causes no serious health problems on the long term, and actually improve the way I interact with people. I now have a social life. When I take Ritalin I'm more confident, and often more kind to people. Ritalin is a medication. And comparing Ritalin to cocaine only demonstrate plain ignorance from people that probably never had to deal with real "psychological" problems. Would they blame a cripple for using an artificial leg? Real psychological problems are just as harsh to deal with. And no, some relaxation is not going to help the cripple walk. Talking to a so-called "psychologist" is not going to help the cripple either.