Thursday, May 21, 2015
Kind of feel good
I stopped taking the 30mg version of Equasym in the morning. I now only take 20mg. But I keep taking 20 more mg around noon. I think this is contributing to some improvement in my mood lately. I feel less anxious, and have a bit more energy. Sometimes I even feel like running and jumping a bit.
Since I started this treatment, I lost like 10 percents of my body mass. I wanted to. But this means it's not unlikely that the initial dosage of Rilatin became too much for my body.
Today, I had some discussion with an older colleague about the advantage of buying a house or an apartment, as compared to renting. I discovered that I already earn way enough to get a loan to buy a good apartment or a small house. I feel like I just got some new power.
I also did chat with a former colleague over Skype. He was very unhappy with his job. He is a good guy and his employer is a prick. My friend is competent, has more experience than me, works much more than me, but earns way less. I told him he would have no problem finding a better job, and that he should start searching immediately.
There are a lot of people doing better than me, but also a lot doing much worse. And for me, it's only the beginning. But I shouldn't feel too proud of myself. First because I must not become "satisfied" with the little I have, and then because I owe much of my current situation to other people. First, my parents, of course, did everything they could, with they own defects, to educate me properly.
Today, I thought again about this guy that gave me some advices about the test I had to pass to get my first job. He did it for free, just because he was a nice guy. I don't think he realized that if it wasn't for him I would probably have failed that test. I gave him this game, Watch Dogs, as soon as it came out. He didn't like it very much. I really thought he would. Anyway, I felt it was important that I express my gratitude. He was surprised that I made him a gift. He still doesn't know the influence he had on my life. This job led to the one I currently have, and the more general fact that I'm now launched in real life in spite of all the poor decisions I made so far.
And of course there is Her.
Since I started this treatment, I lost like 10 percents of my body mass. I wanted to. But this means it's not unlikely that the initial dosage of Rilatin became too much for my body.
Today, I had some discussion with an older colleague about the advantage of buying a house or an apartment, as compared to renting. I discovered that I already earn way enough to get a loan to buy a good apartment or a small house. I feel like I just got some new power.
I also did chat with a former colleague over Skype. He was very unhappy with his job. He is a good guy and his employer is a prick. My friend is competent, has more experience than me, works much more than me, but earns way less. I told him he would have no problem finding a better job, and that he should start searching immediately.
There are a lot of people doing better than me, but also a lot doing much worse. And for me, it's only the beginning. But I shouldn't feel too proud of myself. First because I must not become "satisfied" with the little I have, and then because I owe much of my current situation to other people. First, my parents, of course, did everything they could, with they own defects, to educate me properly.
Today, I thought again about this guy that gave me some advices about the test I had to pass to get my first job. He did it for free, just because he was a nice guy. I don't think he realized that if it wasn't for him I would probably have failed that test. I gave him this game, Watch Dogs, as soon as it came out. He didn't like it very much. I really thought he would. Anyway, I felt it was important that I express my gratitude. He was surprised that I made him a gift. He still doesn't know the influence he had on my life. This job led to the one I currently have, and the more general fact that I'm now launched in real life in spite of all the poor decisions I made so far.
And of course there is Her.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Feel dumb, again
Bad day. I confronted some riddle on the "Puzzled" Stack Exchange forum. My mind first tried to evade. I caught it again, and after a few seconds, it seemed I was on a right track. As it happens very often, I was tempted to read the solution before getting to the bottom of the problem on my own. I surrendered to this temptation. Then I spent most of the day trying to be sure I had understood the solution, going mentally back and forth from "yes, of course, I got it" to "wait a minute, but if...". I still didn't really get it. I think it's a matter of "mental representation of the problem" (if this makes any sense in english).
She called me in the middle of the afternoon, She wanted to talk. We had just started a Skype video conference when She got a phone call and told me She would call me back very soon. She never did. I was very upset, especially because I already was upset by the riddle. I was just trying to ask for Her opinion on this when she hung up. That's the second time in a row that I ask for help and She evades.
It's a very lonely road.
I'd like to find some rare ability inside me. Or I'd like to develop some skill to a very high level. I'd like to achieve something special, beyond the norm, something I could really be proud of.
I'm 27 and I still don't know which path to take.
Maybe my colleague is right, maybe I just ask myself too many questions. After all, I have an ok job, an ok appartment, and obviously a more than ok physical appearance. Maybe I should focus on my well-being. Maybe doing some sport, and feeling emotionally better could also improve my cognitive performances.
If I have nothing special, what's the purpose of my life ?
There is this CPE. The fence is not so high that I would feel a sense of real achievement once I passed it. But still, it could seriously increase my self-confidence and be a step towards greater successes.
I don't know.
It's late at night, and this post is poorly written. But let's just breath...
She called me in the middle of the afternoon, She wanted to talk. We had just started a Skype video conference when She got a phone call and told me She would call me back very soon. She never did. I was very upset, especially because I already was upset by the riddle. I was just trying to ask for Her opinion on this when she hung up. That's the second time in a row that I ask for help and She evades.
It's a very lonely road.
I'd like to find some rare ability inside me. Or I'd like to develop some skill to a very high level. I'd like to achieve something special, beyond the norm, something I could really be proud of.
I'm 27 and I still don't know which path to take.
Maybe my colleague is right, maybe I just ask myself too many questions. After all, I have an ok job, an ok appartment, and obviously a more than ok physical appearance. Maybe I should focus on my well-being. Maybe doing some sport, and feeling emotionally better could also improve my cognitive performances.
If I have nothing special, what's the purpose of my life ?
There is this CPE. The fence is not so high that I would feel a sense of real achievement once I passed it. But still, it could seriously increase my self-confidence and be a step towards greater successes.
I don't know.
It's late at night, and this post is poorly written. But let's just breath...
Saturday, May 16, 2015
From bad to better
Ereyesterday, I took this listening test. In spite of the positive conclusion explained in the previous post, I didn't feel much better. I instead focused on the fact I did nothing else that was on my to-do list for that day. All those tasks were related to personal projects. The morning was a 5, the afternoon was a 5.5, and the evening was a 5.5.
In the evening, as I had no more Lorazepram, I took this shitty Zolpidem again, to try to sleep. I didn't sleep much, but ended up writing inappropriate emails to unknown people. While doing so, it felt like part of my brain was dreaming. I would have fleeting random pictures appearing on what I was doing. For example, the line of text I was writing became a unstable cliff holding houses in danger of falling with the erosion. I probably slept like 4 hours, and in the morning I saw on Linkedin that I didn't send a message to the person I thought, but instead requested a connection with an other unknown person, and had no recollection of the latter event. Of course I started being anxious of what else I could have done that I had no recollection of. I took my 30mg of that modified release version of Rilatin. It didn't boost my mood like it usually does. The morning unfolding, I became more and more anxious. Nothing felt right. From my apartment overpopulated with guinea pigs, to Her displaying a passive-aggressive behavior lately... I had to take some Lorazepram.
The morning was a 4, afternoon was a 4, and evening was a 3.5. I also noted my level of anxiousness in the morning, it was a 8.5. I wanted to hit the keyboard with my forehead.
Overall, I didn't do much of the work I was supposed to.
It was planned that I meet my mother after work, to go shopping a bit. I was less anxious but sad. I hesitated but stuck to the plan in hope that it would cheer me up. In the beginning she was annoying and I responded by being rather aggressive with her. A behavior for which I later apologized, explaining I wasn't feeling very good. She forgave me because she is my mother. She wasn't feeling very good either. The daughter of a cousin of her died yesterday, of cancer, she was 20 years old. My mother said it should have been herself dying instead of that 20 years old. Very theatrical, and I failed to see the connection between the two of them. It's not like my mother was actually close, either genetically or even emotionally, to that girl.
While shopping I started feeling light electric shocks in my nape. A withdrawal symptom I know very well. I forgot to take my antidepressant the last evening. That and the fact I didn't eat much, could explain a lot of how I felt during the day.
In the evening I took more Lorazepram, and sent some news about Héline to E. I immediately got a nice answer. She apologized for not answering my last email, and said "thank you for taking so good care of Héline". So it seems she doesn't hold me responsible for what happened to Héline. That cheered me up a bit. I slept well, thanks the Lorazepram. Even though I had a dream about being in some school with some teacher spreading the word I had very poor English skills.
This morning I feel much better. I think it's a 6.
In the evening, as I had no more Lorazepram, I took this shitty Zolpidem again, to try to sleep. I didn't sleep much, but ended up writing inappropriate emails to unknown people. While doing so, it felt like part of my brain was dreaming. I would have fleeting random pictures appearing on what I was doing. For example, the line of text I was writing became a unstable cliff holding houses in danger of falling with the erosion. I probably slept like 4 hours, and in the morning I saw on Linkedin that I didn't send a message to the person I thought, but instead requested a connection with an other unknown person, and had no recollection of the latter event. Of course I started being anxious of what else I could have done that I had no recollection of. I took my 30mg of that modified release version of Rilatin. It didn't boost my mood like it usually does. The morning unfolding, I became more and more anxious. Nothing felt right. From my apartment overpopulated with guinea pigs, to Her displaying a passive-aggressive behavior lately... I had to take some Lorazepram.
The morning was a 4, afternoon was a 4, and evening was a 3.5. I also noted my level of anxiousness in the morning, it was a 8.5. I wanted to hit the keyboard with my forehead.
Overall, I didn't do much of the work I was supposed to.
It was planned that I meet my mother after work, to go shopping a bit. I was less anxious but sad. I hesitated but stuck to the plan in hope that it would cheer me up. In the beginning she was annoying and I responded by being rather aggressive with her. A behavior for which I later apologized, explaining I wasn't feeling very good. She forgave me because she is my mother. She wasn't feeling very good either. The daughter of a cousin of her died yesterday, of cancer, she was 20 years old. My mother said it should have been herself dying instead of that 20 years old. Very theatrical, and I failed to see the connection between the two of them. It's not like my mother was actually close, either genetically or even emotionally, to that girl.
While shopping I started feeling light electric shocks in my nape. A withdrawal symptom I know very well. I forgot to take my antidepressant the last evening. That and the fact I didn't eat much, could explain a lot of how I felt during the day.
In the evening I took more Lorazepram, and sent some news about Héline to E. I immediately got a nice answer. She apologized for not answering my last email, and said "thank you for taking so good care of Héline". So it seems she doesn't hold me responsible for what happened to Héline. That cheered me up a bit. I slept well, thanks the Lorazepram. Even though I had a dream about being in some school with some teacher spreading the word I had very poor English skills.
This morning I feel much better. I think it's a 6.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
My complete failure of the day
I did what I said. I examined more closely the level required to pass the CPE. I did it by taking a mock listening test. I was stressed out, it seemed hard, and I felt again like my mind wanted to blackout. I didn't eat much, was a bit hungry. This was compounded by the relatively high dosage of Ritalin I took. I was nervous. In spite of the Rilatin, I felt like the test had less that 50 percents of my attention.
The test ended. I felt like it was a complete failure. The program said that all my answers were stored. Now it's obvious that they weren't, since it was a mock test and I had provided no identification information. But at that moment I couldn't think clearly and was just ashamed of what somebody that would look at my answers would think of the person I was. The message the program displayed requested that I "wait for further instructions". At that moment, I was stupid enough to actually wait, like a complete moron, in front of my computer screen ! Well, the instructions were not coming. I refreshed the page, the test started over. Then it occurred to me that I would get no answers from the program. I looked at the original CPE website, and there was a link to a PDF document giving all the answers to the mock tests. That's another problem I have : not reading the instructions.
Now, let's have a look at my answers. The ones I got right are highlighted...
Ok, so I indisputably scored at least a 26 out of 30. If the person that corrects the test is not a jerk, I could tally two more points for “cave” and “stream”. And I don't know why my mind added “mountain” before “climbing”, but it doesn't seem like a completely wrong answer either.
That was my complete failure of the day.
I went for the listening test because I already know I'll perform very well in the reading comprehension test, and I already know I have to work on my grammar and writing skills. I was uncertain about my listening skills. I have never been good at recognizing words in a spoken foreign language.
I remember that moment I had with P. in a café. We were listening to some music, and she asked me to translate some words from a song. She repeated them perfectly but didn't know what they meant.
I didn't hear those words in the song, she had to repeat them for me, but I was able to translate them, they made perfect sense. On the contrary, she didn't know what the words meant but she was able to extract and reproduce them perfectly. To me, the song was just a stream of sounds.
So, I didn't fail the test, and now I'm in a phase where I'm playing it down. My father would recognize this phase. He saw me in this phase so many times. Once, he worded my problem like : “each time you fail you pretend that's because you are bad, and each time you succeed you pretend that's because the task was easy”.
The thing is that this task would actually seem very easy to Her. But she obviously matches the level of a native speaker.
Wikipedia states :
So this test could prove I'm close to the the level a native English speaker, not even.
Let's fast-forward to the next phase. Ok, this CPE might prove I'm skilled, but I don't owe the acquisition of those skills to my work only. In facts, I mainly owe it to Her.
The test ended. I felt like it was a complete failure. The program said that all my answers were stored. Now it's obvious that they weren't, since it was a mock test and I had provided no identification information. But at that moment I couldn't think clearly and was just ashamed of what somebody that would look at my answers would think of the person I was. The message the program displayed requested that I "wait for further instructions". At that moment, I was stupid enough to actually wait, like a complete moron, in front of my computer screen ! Well, the instructions were not coming. I refreshed the page, the test started over. Then it occurred to me that I would get no answers from the program. I looked at the original CPE website, and there was a link to a PDF document giving all the answers to the mock tests. That's another problem I have : not reading the instructions.
Now, let's have a look at my answers. The ones I got right are highlighted...
Ok, so I indisputably scored at least a 26 out of 30. If the person that corrects the test is not a jerk, I could tally two more points for “cave” and “stream”. And I don't know why my mind added “mountain” before “climbing”, but it doesn't seem like a completely wrong answer either.
That was my complete failure of the day.
I went for the listening test because I already know I'll perform very well in the reading comprehension test, and I already know I have to work on my grammar and writing skills. I was uncertain about my listening skills. I have never been good at recognizing words in a spoken foreign language.
I remember that moment I had with P. in a café. We were listening to some music, and she asked me to translate some words from a song. She repeated them perfectly but didn't know what they meant.
I didn't hear those words in the song, she had to repeat them for me, but I was able to translate them, they made perfect sense. On the contrary, she didn't know what the words meant but she was able to extract and reproduce them perfectly. To me, the song was just a stream of sounds.
So, I didn't fail the test, and now I'm in a phase where I'm playing it down. My father would recognize this phase. He saw me in this phase so many times. Once, he worded my problem like : “each time you fail you pretend that's because you are bad, and each time you succeed you pretend that's because the task was easy”.
The thing is that this task would actually seem very easy to Her. But she obviously matches the level of a native speaker.
Wikipedia states :
Today Cambridge English: Proficiency continues to test English ability at the highest possible level and demonstrates that a candidate can communicate with fluency approaching that of a native English speaker.
So this test could prove I'm close to the the level a native English speaker, not even.
Let's fast-forward to the next phase. Ok, this CPE might prove I'm skilled, but I don't owe the acquisition of those skills to my work only. In facts, I mainly owe it to Her.
She eats
Héline is much better than yesterday, much more vivid. Yesteday she was livid. I could see it to the color of her ears. Its the only part of her body not covered with hair, and it's full of tiny blood vessels. As a consequence, her ears usually are very red. But yesterday they were skin-colour, and she wouldn't eat. I tried for like half an hour to feed her, without success. I put her back in her small cage, but with her daughter. It doesn't matter that it's her daughter or an unrelated female. I chose her daughter because, like Héline, she is very calm. A bit less calm actually, but probably because she is very young.
They are social beings. As soon I put her daughter next to her, she was aroused.
I was thinking about the activation theory. I was thinking about Winston Smith getting physically healed by his relationship with Julia.
I think E. resents me for what is happening to Héline. And I feel like I disappointed her. But I fulfill my guinea pigs' physical needs. They never lacked food or water, and I spent hundred of euros for medical treatments those last 6 months. I did complain that they are currently too much work for me, and I did put some of them for adoption. But the reason only a couple of them were actually adopted is precisely because I'm too selective. I'm too afraid they are not going to get treated well.
Héline is awake and eating.
She whined a bit. She peed on me abundantly, but that's ok. I showered, and I'm going to wash the armchair's cover.
They are social beings. As soon I put her daughter next to her, she was aroused.
I was thinking about the activation theory. I was thinking about Winston Smith getting physically healed by his relationship with Julia.
I think E. resents me for what is happening to Héline. And I feel like I disappointed her. But I fulfill my guinea pigs' physical needs. They never lacked food or water, and I spent hundred of euros for medical treatments those last 6 months. I did complain that they are currently too much work for me, and I did put some of them for adoption. But the reason only a couple of them were actually adopted is precisely because I'm too selective. I'm too afraid they are not going to get treated well.
Héline is awake and eating.
She whined a bit. She peed on me abundantly, but that's ok. I showered, and I'm going to wash the armchair's cover.
Was I provocative ?
It's been over 8 months that I was sent to the hospital for my political opinions. The police has the name of the thug and several testimonies. I think I'm going to involve the League Against Antisemitism. I first rejected the offer for help from its president. But now, I don't see what else I could do for this thug to get to pay.
I won't let them make me feel guilty. The day after I got beaten, I went to file a complaint, and the inspector wanted to know why I did that. He wanted to know whether I had a good reason, or it was just provocation. At that moment I didn't find the good answer. He wouldn't ask a woman that got raped whether she is responsible for her rape. If somebody is responsible for this incident, it's the ones that organized a public demonstration in the first place. They went on my streets to display their political opinions, they provoked me first. I reacted by showing my different views, and got beaten. They are guilty from A to Z.
I won't let them make me feel guilty. The day after I got beaten, I went to file a complaint, and the inspector wanted to know why I did that. He wanted to know whether I had a good reason, or it was just provocation. At that moment I didn't find the good answer. He wouldn't ask a woman that got raped whether she is responsible for her rape. If somebody is responsible for this incident, it's the ones that organized a public demonstration in the first place. They went on my streets to display their political opinions, they provoked me first. I reacted by showing my different views, and got beaten. They are guilty from A to Z.
The most dissapointing ending
It's been years since I first watched this movie. I keep getting upset at how bad they spoiled the movie with this ridiculous ending.
Dunque, che questo romanzo abbia inizio
So, this web log could fill three purposes. The initial one was to be a feed for Her, a log that would be independent from Skype. The second purpose could be to work on my English writing skills. And the third one would simply be a log of my mood. My psychiatrist requested that I start again logging how bad I feel three times a day. He gave me a grid where I write marks, out of ten. He used the word "cyclothymia", the one I had on the edge of my lips for such a long time. But he hinted towards this possibility on his own. But, more generally, I don't like providing answers without justifications. I'll write justifications here.
Yesterday's morning was a 7 out of 10. I was thrilled by the idea I could pass a CPE. The beginning of the afternoon was wonderful. For an hour, I felt this lightness of being I can only remember feeling once before, like 3 or 4 months ago. Everything seemed fine, life was light. I felt "inner peace". I don't remember a day when I was not anxious. At least not before this experience 3 or 4 months ago. But it wasn't a whole day, just a short afternoon. Since then, I've been seeking this feeling, like a drug addict seeks the beauty of his first shot. I felt it yesterday, during an hour. It wasn't as pure as the first time, and anxiety quickly caught up with me. I felt I didn't work much in the morning, that my boss would end up really wondering what I was doing for the last two weeks...
The evening was a 5 out of 10. I felt tired and hungry.
I like when things organize themselves into multi-purposes solutions. It reduces my anxiety.
Yesterday's morning was a 7 out of 10. I was thrilled by the idea I could pass a CPE. The beginning of the afternoon was wonderful. For an hour, I felt this lightness of being I can only remember feeling once before, like 3 or 4 months ago. Everything seemed fine, life was light. I felt "inner peace". I don't remember a day when I was not anxious. At least not before this experience 3 or 4 months ago. But it wasn't a whole day, just a short afternoon. Since then, I've been seeking this feeling, like a drug addict seeks the beauty of his first shot. I felt it yesterday, during an hour. It wasn't as pure as the first time, and anxiety quickly caught up with me. I felt I didn't work much in the morning, that my boss would end up really wondering what I was doing for the last two weeks...
The evening was a 5 out of 10. I felt tired and hungry.
I like when things organize themselves into multi-purposes solutions. It reduces my anxiety.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
CPE may be within my reach
Tomorrow is a day off. Just like any other day off, I'm going to spend it working on my personal projects, or try to.
A new project is probably going to join the long list I already have. A short term project : passing a CPE exam. But first, I need to examine more closely the level required to pass this CPE. It seems too easy to be true. I only read superlatives about this test. From the official website :
As I said, the short online test seemed suspiciously simple. But then, the glimpse I had at the samples of CPE subtests reinforced my hope that this exam may not be out of my league. The next examination session I could attend is scheduled for December. That's timely. I need to grab a good grammar book, and work on my writing skills. But first, I'll read a good French grammar book. I need to fix a few things in my mother tongue too. I don't want to build a house on a landfill.
A new project is probably going to join the long list I already have. A short term project : passing a CPE exam. But first, I need to examine more closely the level required to pass this CPE. It seems too easy to be true. I only read superlatives about this test. From the official website :
Cambridge English: Proficiency, also known as Certificate of Proficiency in English (CPE), is our most advanced qualification. It proves you have achieved an extremely high level in English.
As I said, the short online test seemed suspiciously simple. But then, the glimpse I had at the samples of CPE subtests reinforced my hope that this exam may not be out of my league. The next examination session I could attend is scheduled for December. That's timely. I need to grab a good grammar book, and work on my writing skills. But first, I'll read a good French grammar book. I need to fix a few things in my mother tongue too. I don't want to build a house on a landfill.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)