Ereyesterday, I took this listening test. In spite of the positive conclusion explained in the previous post, I didn't feel much better. I instead focused on the fact I did nothing else that was on my to-do list for that day. All those tasks were related to personal projects. The morning was a 5, the afternoon was a 5.5, and the evening was a 5.5.
In the evening, as I had no more Lorazepram, I took this shitty Zolpidem again, to try to sleep. I didn't sleep much, but ended up writing inappropriate emails to unknown people. While doing so, it felt like part of my brain was dreaming. I would have fleeting random pictures appearing on what I was doing. For example, the line of text I was writing became a unstable cliff holding houses in danger of falling with the erosion. I probably slept like 4 hours, and in the morning I saw on Linkedin that I didn't send a message to the person I thought, but instead requested a connection with an other unknown person, and had no recollection of the latter event. Of course I started being anxious of what else I could have done that I had no recollection of. I took my 30mg of that modified release version of Rilatin. It didn't boost my mood like it usually does. The morning unfolding, I became more and more anxious. Nothing felt right. From my apartment overpopulated with guinea pigs, to Her displaying a passive-aggressive behavior lately... I had to take some Lorazepram.
The morning was a 4, afternoon was a 4, and evening was a 3.5. I also noted my level of anxiousness in the morning, it was a 8.5. I wanted to hit the keyboard with my forehead.
Overall, I didn't do much of the work I was supposed to.
It was planned that I meet my mother after work, to go shopping a bit. I was less anxious but sad. I hesitated but stuck to the plan in hope that it would cheer me up. In the beginning she was annoying and I responded by being rather aggressive with her. A behavior for which I later apologized, explaining I wasn't feeling very good. She forgave me because she is my mother. She wasn't feeling very good either. The daughter of a cousin of her died yesterday, of cancer, she was 20 years old. My mother said it should have been herself dying instead of that 20 years old. Very theatrical, and I failed to see the connection between the two of them. It's not like my mother was actually close, either genetically or even emotionally, to that girl.
While shopping I started feeling light electric shocks in my nape. A withdrawal symptom I know very well. I forgot to take my antidepressant the last evening. That and the fact I didn't eat much, could explain a lot of how I felt during the day.
In the evening I took more Lorazepram, and sent some news about Héline to E. I immediately got a nice answer. She apologized for not answering my last email, and said "thank you for taking so good care of Héline". So it seems she doesn't hold me responsible for what happened to Héline. That cheered me up a bit. I slept well, thanks the Lorazepram. Even though I had a dream about being in some school with some teacher spreading the word I had very poor English skills.
This morning I feel much better. I think it's a 6.
In the evening, as I had no more Lorazepram, I took this shitty Zolpidem again, to try to sleep. I didn't sleep much, but ended up writing inappropriate emails to unknown people. While doing so, it felt like part of my brain was dreaming. I would have fleeting random pictures appearing on what I was doing. For example, the line of text I was writing became a unstable cliff holding houses in danger of falling with the erosion. I probably slept like 4 hours, and in the morning I saw on Linkedin that I didn't send a message to the person I thought, but instead requested a connection with an other unknown person, and had no recollection of the latter event. Of course I started being anxious of what else I could have done that I had no recollection of. I took my 30mg of that modified release version of Rilatin. It didn't boost my mood like it usually does. The morning unfolding, I became more and more anxious. Nothing felt right. From my apartment overpopulated with guinea pigs, to Her displaying a passive-aggressive behavior lately... I had to take some Lorazepram.
The morning was a 4, afternoon was a 4, and evening was a 3.5. I also noted my level of anxiousness in the morning, it was a 8.5. I wanted to hit the keyboard with my forehead.
Overall, I didn't do much of the work I was supposed to.
It was planned that I meet my mother after work, to go shopping a bit. I was less anxious but sad. I hesitated but stuck to the plan in hope that it would cheer me up. In the beginning she was annoying and I responded by being rather aggressive with her. A behavior for which I later apologized, explaining I wasn't feeling very good. She forgave me because she is my mother. She wasn't feeling very good either. The daughter of a cousin of her died yesterday, of cancer, she was 20 years old. My mother said it should have been herself dying instead of that 20 years old. Very theatrical, and I failed to see the connection between the two of them. It's not like my mother was actually close, either genetically or even emotionally, to that girl.
While shopping I started feeling light electric shocks in my nape. A withdrawal symptom I know very well. I forgot to take my antidepressant the last evening. That and the fact I didn't eat much, could explain a lot of how I felt during the day.
In the evening I took more Lorazepram, and sent some news about Héline to E. I immediately got a nice answer. She apologized for not answering my last email, and said "thank you for taking so good care of Héline". So it seems she doesn't hold me responsible for what happened to Héline. That cheered me up a bit. I slept well, thanks the Lorazepram. Even though I had a dream about being in some school with some teacher spreading the word I had very poor English skills.
This morning I feel much better. I think it's a 6.
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